Never Letting Go
by PutteringPoet
Summary: Lily Evans has broken James Potter. He's done. No more. At least that's what he thinks. Not a very long story, I promise. R&R!
1. Part 1

"James? James, please. Open the door." A girl with red hair and green eyes pounded on the door.

The door was wrenched open, a tall young man with messy black hair, glasses resting crookedly on his nose, and deep hazel eyes, stood on the other side.

He had a dark expression on his face.

"What Lily? What do you want?"

"I'm sorry." She whispered, her eyes pleading, begging for his forgiveness. She hadn't meant it; it was wrong, so wrong.

His eyes were mute, stony. He just stared at her.

Her hair was tangled, her eyes were wide, cheeks rosy, she was panting, and her chest rose and fell heavily. It looked like she had been running. She was beautiful. As always.

He sighed and closed his heart. She always cracked it. Every cruel word she said, every rejection, every glare she sent him, all created a new and fresh crack. Each crack came closer to breaking his heart.

It was almost broken now. It was barely beating now, especially after what she had just said.

"James. James, I'm so sorry." She whispered again, her voice was hoarse and breathless. Hoarse from yelling those terrible words, breathless from running to his room.

He closed his eyes, not able to bear the image of Lily standing at his door, begging his forgiveness. He couldn't do this anymore. He couldn't be in constant pain like this. He could have any girl, but the one he wanted most wouldn't have him. It was torture. She would never love him. She had said it herself, many, many times.

Sure, she was begging for his forgiveness, but that was all. He would give it, and then she would just continue to pretend that he didn't exist, unless he demanded her attention. Then she would just yell, yell how annoying he was, yell how she hated him, yell how she would rather go out with the Giant Squid. Well fine, the Giant Squid could have her. Lily Evans was all bloody his.

"James?" She pleaded. He had been silent for a while.

He opened his eyes and looked into her emerald ones. "I forgive you, Evans. Anything else?" He said flatly.

She just stared, her brows furrowed in hurt. "No…"

"Okay. Good night." He replied, backed up and slowly shut the door.

* * *

_Ah, so that was really short. _

_Part 2 will be longer though, I promise. _

_Tell me what you think in a-_

_**R E V I E W**  
_


	2. Part 2

She just stood there.

He had shut the door in her face. James had shut the door in her face. James Potter.

She just stared at the door, unmoving, unfeeling. She couldn't leave. He didn't forgive her, not really. He'd just said that to get rid of her.

It looked like he'd finally gotten sick of her.

No!

That couldn't happen! She loved him!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Why had she said that?! Why, oh why, oh why?!

Because she was mad. As always.

He didn't deserve it. He never had.

"_I'll never love you, James Potter! You are the last person on earth I would ever want to kiss! And you know why? No? Because you're nothing! The only thing you have is arrogance and luck! That's it! And when it runs out, you'll have nothing and no one. You'll be completely and utterly alone. The only reason anyone likes you is because they think you have good looks and you have good luck in Quidditch. That's it! When that's gone, you'll be nothing and no one and you will utterly despise yourself, just like I do now."_

"Oh why did I say such a horrible thing?" Lily moaned to herself as she sank to the floor. She put her hands over her face and the tears began to flow.

When she had cried herself out, when she became weary from her sorrow she stood, using a chair for support, and walked to her room. She pushed all thoughts of James away.

She clapped her hands to light the floating candles above her bathroom and walked over to the shower, reached a hand in and turned the handle to hot. As the water heated she looked at herself in the mirror, both hands on either side of the sink, her eyes boring into the ones staring back at her in the mirror.

Her eyes were red and swollen, her cheeks were blotchy, her freckles stood out even more, her eyebrows furrowed in a pitiful expression, her forehead wrinkled. She sighed and tried to relax her facial muscles, but they wanted to stay in their fixed, mournful state.

There was a heavy weight in her stomach, her hair was tangled and snarly. She sighed again and grabbed her brush from the nearby shelf and raked it through her hair, wincing when she pulled her scalp as she worked a tangle.

When her hair was finally smooth and tangle-free, the bathroom was filled with steam, Lily couldn't see herself in the mirror.

She peeled off all her clothes and got into the shower and just let the water flow over her skin. The hot water stung but she didn't care. When she got used to the heat she turned and let the water hit the back of her head. She grabbed her shampoo bottle and poured some into her palm. She lathered it up in her hair and massaged her scalp. She rinsed and decided to repeat, just for the heck of it. Then she grabbed the conditioner and gently worked it through her hair. She left it in while she grabbed a loofa, lathered up some body wash onto it, and rubbed her skin almost raw, trying to get the awful feeling off of her.

Finally, once she had cleaned herself as much as she felt she could, she rinsed and got out of the shower. She dried off, dried her hair with a towel until it was mostly damp, dug around in her drawers for some pajamas, turned off the light and climbed into bed.

As she pulled the covers around her, all thoughts of James came rushing back to her. The weight in her stomach became a sharp, sharp pain. She curled up and let out a sob.

"James, I'm so sorry." She whispered into the dark.

She replayed the awful scene in her mind. James had been across the room, the Gryffindor common room. He had been talking to the gorgeous Hufflepuff, the beauty with no brains. They were sitting on the love seat, she was edging closer to him with every word he spoke. And he certainly hadn't pushed her away. It had made her so mad, filled her with such anger.

_Why did I get so angry?_

_Because you can't handle any girl hanging over him like that. You are jealous. And when he flirted back, when he put his hand on her thigh…_

_Stop! I don't want to hear anymore. I know why! I hate myself. _

_It's your own fault. You should have told him sooner._

_Well you know what? I'm going to tell him now. _

Lily threw the covers off and headed for the door, she threw it open and headed towards James'. She put her hand on the knob, took in a deep breath and turned it. She pushed it open and took a step over the threshold.

It was dark. The light from the common room flooded in.

She saw the lump on the bed that was James. He didn't move. His eyes were open. They were watching her.

* * *

_Aw Lily... Gotta love her. :)_

_Told you this one would be longer. _

_What do you think??_

_REVIEWS make my world go round. ;)  
_


	3. Part 3

He closed the door with a click. His heart locked with a click too.

He took in a deep breath and let it out. Lily was out of his life now.

Sure, he would see her a lot, but he would just be polite, as polite as was necessary.

He felt nothing, nothing but satisfaction, no regret, no pain. But he couldn't smile. He felt kind of empty inside. But that was to be expected, Lily had been his whole life for the past six and a half years. Now what was he going to do?

It was weird. Lily had been his top priority, even before school.

He turned around and leaned back against the door. He closed his eyes and let the idea of no Lily fill his brain.

Panic aroused, his eyes widened, his brain sounded an alarm. His breathing became labored, he clutched his chest, a pain was ripping through it.

He pushed the thought away as fast as he could. Everything calmed, he let his shoulders slump. He let himself slide down against the door until he was sitting on the floor.

So maybe he should ease himself into the idea. After all, this wasn't something you could just spring on yourself. For now he'd just avoid the issue. Yep, that was the way to do it.

He closed his eyes and relaxed. He let his thoughts drift…

"_I'll never love you, James Potter! You are the last person on earth I would ever want to kiss! And you know why? No? Because you're nothing! The only thing you have is arrogance and luck! That's it! And when it runs out, you'll have nothing and no one. You'll be completely and utterly alone. The only reason anyone likes you is because they think you have good looks and you have good luck in Quidditch. That's it! When that's gone, you'll be nothing and no one and you will utterly despise yourself, just like I do now."_

Her voice pierced into his stillness, his whole body was wrenched with pain. He felt tears rush to his eyes, his throat tightened.

He could see her standing before him, the Hufflepuff girl standing behind him. She was fantastic in her rage. Her skin flushed, her eyes wild.

"Oh Merlin." He breathed.

He let himself relish in the mental image of Lily. Somehow that always made the sting soothe away. But then he remembered what he'd promised himself.

He opened his eyes, pushing away her red hair and green eyes. He stood and practically ran for the shower.

He threw off his clothes, turned on the heat, and climbed in. He grabbed some scrubbing thing, got a bar of soap and lathered it up. He raked it all over, trying to rid himself of the terrible feeling that seemed to be all over his skin. He washed his hair as fast as he could, and turned off the water.

He scrambled out, grabbed a towel and dried off as fast as he could. He walked out and searched through piles of clothes all over his room, looking for something that still smelled marginally okay. He found a white t-shirt and some navy blue boxers, pulled them on and headed back to the bathroom.

As he was brushing his teeth, he heard a vibration.

"Sirius…" He growled, his mouth filled with toothpaste. He spat it out, gargled, and dried his mouth. He rushed to his bed, pulled out a drawer in his bedside table, and grabbed the vibrating mirror that was rattling around in the bottom.

"What do you want, Padfoot?" He said as Sirius' face filled up the mirror in his hands.

"Oh, not very friendly, Prongs. Tsk, tsk. Didn't make up with Evans, eh?" Sirius inquired, a smirk on his face.

"Well I forgave her, if that's what you mean." James replied.

Sirius looked at him in surprise; he wasn't expecting a depressed James tonight.

"I get the feeling there's more to it than that, Prongs. What happened?"

"She begged for my forgiveness and I gave it to her. I've also decided to give her up, for good." James said with finality.

Sirius raised an eyebrow and restrained himself from laughing. "Prongs, mate, you've decided this a million times. You were never able to stay away from her."

"Well this time I mean it, Padfoot. She's hurt me too many times. I won't have a heart anymore by the time we've graduated. She'll never love me. She's made that perfectly clear." James felt the hurt rise up again, he pushed it away, but not before Sirius saw it flash on his face.

"James, she hurt you bad this time, didn't she?" Sirius asked with complete and utter seriousness.

"Yeah, Sirius. She did. Practically cut my heart open." James replied, then rubbed his eyes. "I just need to get some sleep, okay?"

He was tired. He couldn't talk about it anymore. He just wanted to sleep, where he didn't have to think, didn't have to see Lily's eyes in his head, no matter how he tried to push them away.

Sirius looked at him with sympathy in his eyes. "I'm sorry, Prongs. She's been brutal. But pardon me if I don't believe you'll be able to stay away. I think she was jealous. I think that's why she yelled at you. I saw her staring as you were flirting with that Hufflepuff, I saw her mouth fall open when you put your hand on her leg. She loves you, mate."

James stared into the mirror. He saw only honesty in his best friend's eyes. Could it be? Did Lily love him? He felt joy fill him at the thought, then pushed it away. He couldn't think about it anymore.

"Maybe you're right, Sirius. But I'm not going to hope unless she tells me herself."

"Alright, mate. Get some sleep. See you in the morning." Sirius replied, shaking his head.

"Good night, Padfoot." James replied.

As Sirius' face vanished, James put the mirror back in it's drawer. He looked around his room, thinking about what Sirius had said. It was possible… Maybe.

He shook his head, shoving the thought away, and felt the emptiness flood him again. He jumped up, turned off the lights, and crawled under the covers.

He closed his eyes.

"Lily…" He breathed, allowing himself to say it one last time. He felt her name on his tongue, savored it, smiled at the feeling it brought, then pushed it back down his throat. He brought back the hurt her words had caused him, using that as a defense.

His heart closed up, he felt it become solid, unfeeling. He jerked his head, satisfied, then allowed the darkness to overtake him.

He heard nothing, felt nothing.

_Lily…_

_No! Quit that!_

_I can't, she's a part of me, I can't just push her away in one night!_

_Yes you can! Stop being weak!_

_I'm not, I always go to sleep thinking about her. She's the only thing that helps._

_Well find something else._

_Like what?_

_I don't know._

_You're a huge help. _

_Anything but Lily._

_M-hm…_

_It's not that hard._

_Of course you, the voice in my head, would say that. _

James groaned and turned over. He felt emptiness overtake him. He was empty, nothing. He felt nothing. It was horrible. He'd never felt so bad in all his life. Not even when she yelled at him.

"Lily." He said out loud. He felt better immediately.

_Oh bloody hell…I can't live without her. _

_Nope._

_I was afraid of that. _

_I'll bet you were…_

_Well you know what this means._

_No. What?_

_Sirius was right. _

James chuckled. He usually was. James could never give up Lily. She was his everything.

He heard a creak outside the room. He heard the knob on his door turn. Light flooded in as the door opened.

He saw red hair. Lily. His heart leaped. She was here. Why?

* * *

_Ah James._

_I think I like him. ;)_

_What did you think???_

_I love REVIEWS as much as I love dark chocolate.  
_


	4. Part 4

"Hey." She said quietly.

He sat up on the bed.

She wore grey plaid pajama pants, and a pale blue tank. She was beautiful.

He couldn't.

She moved towards the bed. She ran her hand through her long, damp, red hair as she did.

He grinned.

Oh yes he could.

"What?" She questioned with a smile, still walking towards the bed.

"When did you start running your hand through your hair?" He asked, still grinning widely.

"Huh?" She paused then looked down at her now damp hand and frowned. "I have no idea…"

She was only a foot away from him. He was restraining his hand from reaching out and grasping the hand she was staring at.

Her face was scrunched up and her hair was curling at the ends.

Merlin, it was hard. "Lily."

She looked back up, her eyes bright with a breathtaking smile on her face.

So, so hard.

It was his turn to ask, "What?"

"You said my name." She whispered. Suddenly her face got red and her eyes widened. His heart beat harder and he could no longer restrain his hand.

He grabbed her wrist and tugged her closer. "Lily."

She closed her eyes and pulled her arm out of his hand. He let go, completely disappointed, but then grinned when she tangled her fingers with his.

"Lily." He murmured again and gave her hand a squeeze.

She bit her lip.

He was amazed at the lack of tension he was feeling. He was happy. He knew how he could be happier.

He gently pulled her hand down. "Come here."

She opened her eyes and the look she gave him took his breath away. It said she wanted him. It said she needed him. It said… She loved him.

"Come here _now_, Lily." He said huskily. He needed her close to him. He needed to hold her. His arms were aching with longing.

She nodded and without letting go of his hand, crawled over him, and sat next to him. He leaned back against the headboard and spread his legs out in front of him. She stayed at his side and propped herself up with one hand. He reached up a hand and caressed her cheek. She closed her eyes and leaned into his touch. And when she put her head on his chest and snuggled up close to him he felt something inside him begin to heal.

"I'm so sorry, James." She whispered into his shirt.

"Shhh." He stroked her hair.

"I love you." She said.

He froze, his hand still in mid-stroke.

She turned her head and rested her chin on his chest, a smile on her face.

"Did you know that?" She whispered, her chin pressing into him with every syllable.

He felt something in him stir as she continued to gaze at him, studying his face as if memorizing it. This was it. This was his dream coming true. Lily finally realized she was in love with him.

He felt his heart take off, he was soaring. And this was better than being on a broom, loads better.

He finally managed to find his voice. It sounded different, more excited. He couldn't help it. He was in the middle of pure ecstasy.

"When I told you to come here, and you opened your eyes, I think I saw it."

"I thought you might." She pushed herself up and put a kiss on his chin.

He grinned, "Oh no, you don't." He said, then bent his head down and kissed her full on the mouth.

He kissed her gently, achingly sweet. She moaned into his mouth and pushed her fingers into his hair. Every one of his senses was on fire as she kissed him back. He wrapped his arms around her waist. He pulled her on top of him and she put her legs on either side of him. She pressed her lips against his and her hands make their way down his neck, chest, to his hard stomach, and then back up again.

He pulled away from her mouth then, knowing that if he kept going he wouldn't be able to stop. She sighed so blissfully that he barely managed not to attack her lovely mouth again. She fell back to his side, her head on his chest again, all of her on one side again. He squeezed her gently, affectionately.

"I love you, Lily." He said and kissed the top of her head.

"I know." She said.

He smiled in pure bliss. "I'm glad."

"Finally, right?" She said wryly.

He just laughed and pulled the covers over them, his lids were growing heavier by the second.

"Sweat dreams, Flower." He whispered.

"I can't believe I used to hate it when you called me that." She said, a smile in her voice.

"It's okay, Lily. Stop beating yourself up." He said.

"Okay. But only for tonight. I can't promise you that, James."

"Say it again." He murmured.

"Say what?"

"My name." He whispered.

She chuckled at the role reversal.

"James." He started rubbing her back slowly.

"James."

He waited, but she said nothing else. "One more time." He begged.

She chuckled. "James… James… James." She said his name carefully, testing it on her tongue.

He gave a huge sigh and pressed a kiss to her hair.

"I love you, James." She said finally. Then closed her eyes.

"I love you too, Lily. Go to sleep."

"M-hm."

They fell asleep. His arms around her, their hands still latched together, holding tightly, never letting go.

* * *

_The End. _

_Did you like the story? _

_So I will now tell you the truth. _

_I originally wrote this as a whole big oneshot._

_That's really what it is, just separated into four parts. _

_I figured out that that's what I could do with it when I was reading through it again. _

_I didn't want to just post another oneshot, I have too many of those. _

_So yeah._

_Good idea or bad idea?_

_Let me know how you liked the ending. :)_

_And by that I mean REVIEW!_

_The button is just there, all you've got to do is click it. _

_;)  
_


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